Disapointed.

If I could turn back time, I would do things differently. I would probably make better choices. The ones you make with your head rather than with your heart.

Because the heart, that muscle that lies between your chest and your head its capable to control your whole body. And I don't mean literary. Even when without your heart your head dosen't function, if theres no brain functioning, the heart is useless.

So, you see, there has to be a conection between these two in order for everything to work. And when the heart is hurting the brain starts to work, giving you the the obvious way out. But as stubborn as we are, we chose the other way, the hard way, the masochistic way; the way that would only hurt you even more, because you're blinded by the truth you want to believe.

But you know what hurts worse than anything?

Accepting reality just so you can start moving forward.

A new begining.

My belongings are boxed.

Half of my rooms, emptied.

A  big house, almost deserted.

The date to move is getting closer and I'm taking a moment, as I watch a movie, about how everything was, long ago.

Every wall holds a memory.
Some, good. Some, were not.
Some made me laugh...a lot.
Some, made me cried.

Still, I wouldnt change a thing.
Every memory molded me into the person I am today. And it change the person that I will be in the future.

I wish I had done a few things diferent, but life knows better.
God knows better.

Tonight, the house is almost empty, but soon enough another one will be fill.

And I can't hardly wait.

I can't wait for the new memories that awaits for me.
For that new chapter waiting to be written.

I can't wait for the begining of my forever.

Fear. The worst of the enemies.

Words are meant to be united to express what one feels.

But what if what you feel has no words to describe it?

What if that pain in the center of your chest pounding against your skin is something indescribable??

What happen when you can't find words to unspill your pain??

Tears may relief the pain, but the agony remains.

I'm laying in my bed, wondering. Wondering about this pain, about all the things I long, about all the things I've kept to myself.

The room is warm, the heater says is 67°, but I'm trembling, ice cold, completly scare.

Scare of everything
Scare of this feeling.
Terrified of losing it all.

I'm afraid of the unknown.

Shameyn.

Never Again!!

Things has change in the past year. Some people has left my life, and others have come to surprise me. I wish I could verbalize all my feelings, and for people to understand them.

There's an emptiness in a corner of my heart. Its hard to realize how a good friendship can be ruined by sudden events that are out of my hands. Its even harder to see the reality you want so much to hide. Opening my eyes to whats in front of me had shook me in many ways I never thought possible. Caring for someone who dosen't care anymore about you can make you realize how blind one person can be, or want to be. Theres nothing worst than a blind man who dosen't want to see. And the worst.part is that you know, but you dont want to admit it, because you actually and truly care. The thought of it makes your whole body to tremble with the reality of the situation. And our human condition is always afraid of acceptance. That might be the reason which makes us vulnerable to this type of bullshit. Because thats what it is.

And no, you didn't read wrong.
I did said bullshit!!!!

The good part about all this is what comes after that slapping. Yeah, just after having that wall of reality crashing on top of you, you realize how dumb you were. Unless you're masochistic, and then theres no more hope for you.

You realize you can never force yourself for people to like you, or for them to care. This has to come naturally. If they don't care, then is not worth it. Period!!

Recent events had opened my eyes. And after dusting myself off, I told myself never again!!

The sad part: its going to be hard to break the habit. I may not be as strong as I want to, right now, but, eventually,  I'll be.

Shameyn <3.